Phoenix
by LavenderJade
Summary: Out of the ashes something new and beautiful is born. Slash - Jack-Lennie This time it really is done, 9 chapters all here. Let me know what you think of my magnum opus!
1. Day of fire

Lennie Briscoe sighed contentedly. For once in his rotten, messed-up life, things were going well, had been for some time now. He should have known that this was a prescription for something awful to happen soon. But then, the best parts of his life had an annoying tendency to be born from the ashes of the worst.  
  
Three years ago, after the brutal murder of his daughter Cathy, he had moved into Jack McCoy's apartment. Jack knew Lennie was a recovering alcoholic and that if anything could push him back into a bottle this was it. Lennie's friends had banded together to make sure he had the support he needed to get through that dark day and the ones following it. For the first time in a long time, Lennie felt he actually had something of a family.  
  
The biggest surprise had come the following week. Jack had encouraged Lennie to stay one more week, since often the return to normalcy after a crisis was worse than the crisis. Jack knew from experience - he had lost his assistant and lover Claire two years prior, and he and Lennie both still bore the scars of that fateful day. Their friendship had been born in the ashes of that fire, from their shared guilt and grief at Claire's death. And now, out of the fire of Cathy's death, they had found comfort in each others' company. Both had lived alone too long and forgotten the simple pleasure of having somebody to talk to at the end of the day. So to everybody's surprise, including their own, they ended up as roommates. Lennie moved his few things over one weekend and gladly let go of his "mouse hole of an apartment."  
  
The arrangement suited them well. Lennie jokingly described it as "like being married except without the sex and the fighting. Hey, ma, I got me a lawyer!" Jack's place was certainly much nicer than he'd ever have been able to afford on a cop's salary - especially one with 2 alimony checks taken out each payday. Now he paid Jack a little less than he used to pay for the mouse hole, and both of them ended up ahead of the game. And it turned out that Jack really liked to cook as long as he had somebody else to clean up afterwards, which suited Lennie just fine.  
  
Many evenings one of the other of them would be working late, but they both found that even when they did, they didn't stay as late as they would have before. And a big bonus - Jack realized that since he stopped keeping booze at home to keep the temptation away from Lennie, his own drinking was down. Way down. Looking back, he could now see that he had been a lot closer to that line than he had thought he was.  
  
In short, they had miraculously found their own version of domestic bliss. Of course, nothing was perfect. Gossip being what it was, some people were determined to make it something that it wasn't. Whenever this gossip floated past Lennie, he'd just roll his eyes and make a comment about Jack's reputation with his female assistants. OK, so HE knew that Jack hadn't touched a woman since Claire died. THEY didn't have to know that. Lennie knew it would take somebody really special to pry their way into Jack's heart now. Too much scar tissue there for most to get through. As to himself, Lennie had given up on romance years ago. Two failed marriages were enough. Oh, he still noticed the pretty girls - Jack's latest assistant, Abbie, he definitely noticed her! But he was well past the age where his charming wit was enough to get them into his bed. So the two bachelors found contentment in their companionship, and life was good.  
  
So naturally, all hell was about to break loose.  
  
It was the day after Thanksgiving. Black Friday to the retail world. Lennie was at work - crooks don't take holidays off, so neither do the police. Young officers with families got first crack at getting holiday time off, and Lennie was so far down the list he figured he'd see another holiday off about 10 years after he retired. But he didn't mind, by now the holidays didn't mean much anyway.  
  
Jack settled in for a quiet day at home. He had brought some case files home to work on. Thanksgiving weekend bored him - every damn channel on the TV had a football game. Basketball was his game, he had never cared much for football.  
  
About 3PM, he realized he had left something at the office that he needed. After dithering about it for a while, he decided to head over and grab it. At least it would get him outside for a while, and give him an excuse to take out the bike. Just before he left, he called Lennie and asked if he would be able to join him a little later for dinner, since he was out anyway. Lennie agreed and said he'd meet Jack at his office around 5.  
  
Jack pulled his bike into the parking garage next to the office building that housed the DA's office and took his usual spot right next to the elevator. One advantage of riding a motorcycle, you could grab the smallest spots close in. He took the elevator up to the exit and walked around to the employee entrance at the back of the building. The usual guard had the holiday off; there was a very young guy, probably straight out of the academy, who checked his ID and waved him through.  
  
Just the other side of the building, a figure moved in the shadows. //Good,// he thought, //I KNEW he'd show up sometime today. Bastard doesn't even know what to do with a day off. Probably works in his sleep.// He slipped his fingers through the brass knuckles in his pocket and walked confidently up to the employee entrance. The young guard asked to see his employee id. "Here's your fucking id, junior" as he swung his fist right into the kid's temple, killing him instantly. He stepped over the guard's body and began looking for his quarry.  
  
In his office, Jack quickly found the files he needed and settled down to wait for Lennie. It was about 4PM, he had about an hour to kill, might as well get some work done . . .  
  
The whole office was eerily quiet, almost like a ghost town. The few people who had come in that morning were long gone by now. So when he heard the footsteps a few minutes later, he wondered who was here at this hour. He got up and went to his door, calling out "Lennie, is that you?"  
  
Back at the 27, Lennie was in the unenviable position of being the most senior officer present. He did NOT like this at all. As such, he was taking any "unusual" phone calls. Just after 4PM, the phone rang. "Uh, Det. Briscoe, we've got a silent alarm sounding at the DA's office. I just tried to contact the officer posted to security today, and he's not answering. We've dispatched a squad car, but I thought somebody up there should know."  
  
Lennie's heart dropped into his stomach. Jack should have gotten there just a little while ago. Could he have accidentally set off the alarm? But what about the guard? His partner, Ed Green, was watching him intently. He relayed the message to Ed and said "Come on. Let's head over there. I was supposed to meet Jack for diner in an hour anyway; if it's just a screw up, you can drop me off and head home yourself." But Lennie's eyes were saying he didn't think it was a screw up. There was panic in those eyes.  
  
The blow came from the side, catching Jack entirely off guard. "You are such a pathetic piece of humanity that you don't even know what to do with a holiday off!" Jack looked up at a mountain of a man from the floor of his office where he had landed. "Who the hell are you?" he asked, stalling, trying desperately to get his legs to work again. "You don't even recognize me? You destroy a man's life and you don't even know his NAME? Does Bobby Owens ring a bell?" The mountain reached down and grabbed Jack by his right arm and jerked him upright. Jack cried out as his shoulder dislocated. Through the fog of pain, he tried to remember. Owens . . . yes, a thug he had put away a few years ago on a relatively small time charge. He remembering wishing at the time that they had something more serious to charge him with; the man was dangerously unstable.  
  
Owens held him there dangling by the injured arm for a moment before throwing him down to the floor again. Jack cried out again as he landed on his arm with the decisive "snap" of a broken bone. "You're gonna die, McCoy. But you're gonna HURT first. This place is deserted for the holiday. Nobody's gonna come save your sorry ass now. Nobody." .//Oh, God! This maniac is going to kill me! Lennie, where are you when I need you? Lennie!!!// The big man's hands came toward him again. Big, thick hands. His father's hands. //Lennie!!!!!!//The tears streamed down his face as terror beat out pain for control of his body.  
  
The squad car had arrived and found the body of the guard. They radioed the situation to dispatch, who called Briscoe and Green. Lennie's face went white at the news. "Dammit, Ed, faster! Jack's in there with a cop killer!" A few minutes later they squealed to a stop in front of the office building. There was one light visible up on the third floor - Jack's office. Lennie and Ed rushed into the building, skipping the elevator in favor of the stairs. Ed reached the top first, took in the scene: A man - if you could call him that - was holding Jack in front of him with a very large knife to his throat. The uniformed officers had him at gunpoint, but it was a standoff. The knife was too close; if the officers shot, Jack would be dead before the bullets got there.  
  
Ed quickly ducked back down the stairs before the big man noticed him and caught Lennie before he got to the top. He whispered for a moment then headed back down the stairs to the floor below to come up the stairs on the other side of the hallway, where he wouldn't be seen. Lennie steeled himself. //I'm coming, Jack. Just hold on. I'm coming.// He rushed up the last of the stairs, then froze at the tableaux before him. Compared to this 7 foot 300 pound giant, Jack looked almost like a doll - a broken doll. Ed burst from the stairs behind them, charging at the big man. The movement both front and behind him distracted Owens just enough for the knife to drop enough for one of the uniforms to get in a shot. The rest happened so fast Lennie was never sure exactly what happened. The big man started as the bullet hit his skull. The knife moved as Owens reflexively tried to finish what he started. Ed crashed into them from behind, knocking the knife from Owens' hand. Jack was thrown halfway down the hall from the impact. Lennie ran the couple of feet remaining between him and Jack, practically threw himself onto the floor and gently lifted his friend into his arms. "Call an ambulance" he shouted to the uniformed officers.  
  
Jack looked up at him, barely recognizing him through the fog of pain. "Lennie? You came for me?" //Oh, God, Jack, don't ever do that to me again. Don't you ever leave me, you hear? Cause I just couldn't stand that. Not now.// "I'm here, Jack. It's ok. It's over now. You're safe." Jack looked up into Lennie's eyes just in time to see the tears spill over. They sat there on the floor huddled together, Jack's head cradled on Lennie's shoulder, Lennie murmering soft reassurances, until the paramedics arrived.  
  
In the meantime, Ed had taken charge of the crime scene and all the pesky details. Lennie hadn't actually taken part in the action; he had decided to leave his partner out of the official details so he wouldn't be trapped here when the ambulance took McCoy to the hospital. He looked over at them again and wondered. Lennie always downplayed the rumors, but his eyes were telling him a different story right now. //Don't matter, man, and ain't none of your business anyway. He's your partner, and you back him up, no matter what.// Ed shook his head and went over to talk to the officer who actually took the perp down.  
  
Lennie rode with the ambulance and wouldn't be kept out when Jack was wheeled into an examining room. When asked his relationship to the patient, Lennie growled "Friend . . . family . . . I don't know!" and pushed his way in anyhow. Since Jack couldn't move his arm above his head, they took the quick route and cut his sweatshirt off. The entire right shoulder area was badly bruised. Lennie was sure he saw colors in there that didn't exist in nature. Jack moaned in pain a couple of times as the intern diagnosed his dislocated shoulder and broken arm - both on the right. "That right arm is going to be out of commission for a good long while. We're going to have to pop that shoulder back into the socket, Mr. McCoy, and it's going to hurt." Jack nodded, "Just do it." Lennie cringed as he heard the terrible grinding sound and Jack's cry of pain, but it was over in a few seconds. The intern checked the movement of Jack's arm and nodded. "OK, I'm going to give you a shot for the pain, and we'll get you down to get that arm in a cast and wrap this shoulder." He turned to Lennie while scribbling on a prescription pad; "You won't be able to go with him right now, but I'd suggest you go down to the hospital pharmacy and get these filled; by the time you get done there, he should be back and you can take him home."  
  
An hour later, Lennie returned to the Emergency Room waiting area but no sign of Jack. After pacing nervously for about 15 minutes, an orderly came down the hall pushing Jack in a wheelchair. His right shoulder was wrapped tightly; the forearm was held by one of the newfangled plastic casts, strapped tight across his chest so that he couldn't move the arm or shoulder at all. The phrase "trussed up like a turkey" came unbidden into Lennie's mind as he walked over to them. "Ready to get out of here, Jack?" he asked. "Oh, god, yes." As he stood up and the orderly took the wheelchair down the hall, Lennie realized that Jack's coat was probably still back at the office, and even his sweatshirt was a casualty of the day's events. Instead of putting his overcoat back on, he wrapped it around Jack's shoulders. "Here, you need this more than me right now. Stay in here while I grab a cab."  
  
Half an hour later, they were back at the apartment. Lennie took the overcoat and tossed it over a chair. Jack had been quiet the entire trip home. Now he headed back towards his room saying "I'm going to find a shirt." Lennie nodded and went to the kitchen to scrounge some dinner. A few minutes later, Jack came out carrying an old flannel shirt. "Uh, Lennie, can you give me a hand here? I seem to be short one," he asked sheepishly. Lennie helped him into the shirt, gently wrapping it around the wounded shoulder and buttoning one button to keep it in place. //Oh, boy, this is going to get interesting,//Lennie thought as the memories came back of the broken arm he had had as a kid. Worst part was dressing and bathing. Absolute worst was underwear. You ever try to put underwear on with only one arm? Not possible. When you're 16 and you mother has to dress you, you just about die of embarrassment. When you're 50-something and your roommate has to dress you . . . //Uh, oh, could be getting into trouble here, Lennie boy.//  
  
They said that most people got curious about the "other side" at some point in their lives. What with all the rumors about them anyway, Lennie wasn't too surprised that one day his mind had wandered down that path. Jack was a good friend, someone he cared about deeply. Truth be told, they were much closer than the "guy code" really allowed for. All those nights, after Claire's and Cathy's deaths, they had sat up talking and crying on each others' shoulders. If he were capable of loving another man, it would definitely be Jack. And now, this . . .  
  
He remembered the panic, the fear, this afternoon when he thought Jack might die today. Was it love already?  
  
The paramedics had given Jack a sedative to calm him before taking him to the hospital, but he could feel its effects wearing off. The painkiller numbed the physical pain, but the terror was returning. As Lennie's strong hands gently tucked him into the shirt, something inside snapped. "Oh, God, Lennie, I thought he was going to kill me!"  
  
Lennie looked up and saw the terror in his friend's eyes. He reached out and laid his hand on Jack's good shoulder. "I know, Jack. But it's over now. You're safe at home. With me."  
  
Their eyes met, and Jack's tears spilled over again. Lennie gently gathered him into his arms and led him to the couch. Once again, Lennie held him as the shock of the day poured out of him. At one point, almost without thinking, Lennie bent down and kissed the top of his head, like you would comfort a small child. "Sshhh . . . it's all right now."  
  
After a time, Jack's tears finally ran out, and a certain calmness returned. He sighed heavily and very purposefully settled his head against Lennie's shoulder. "Lennie . . .there's something I have to tell you. No- don't interrupt me. I have to say this. Lennie, I really thought I was going to die this afternoon. I've never been so scared in all my life. He held that knife at my throat and all I could think of was you, Lennie. Not Claire. YOU." He sat up slightly so that he could look into Lennie's eyes.  
  
There. He had said it. Would Lennie understand? Would he realize how important that simple statement was? It had been 5 years since Claire died, and there still was not room in his heart for another woman. Maybe there never would be. But this friendship that had grown so deep these past few years, that was something else entirely. And as he now realized, there was nothing like looking death in the face to let you know what was really important to you. Today, he had realized just how much Lennie had come to mean to him. //I originally asked Lennie to stay for the companionship; till he came, I didn't realize how lonely I had become. Could it be that even then, I was lonely for more than just company? I didn't want to admit to myself how good it felt to hold him those long evenings after Cathy died. Today, through all the pain and fear, all I wanted was to feel those strong arms around me. Taking me away from that horror. Keeping me safe . . .//  
  
Lennie froze, uncertainty wrenching his gut. Could Jack be saying what he though he was saying? Could Lennie have actually taken Claire's place in his heart? But as he looked into Jack's eyes, he saw the truth in it. He reached out and gently caressed Jack's face, rough with 5-o'clock shadow. Odd - he was used to the softness of a woman. Then suddenly, both were leaning in to the kiss, their eyes closing just as their lips touched for the first time. It started very gently, a simple press of lips. Then Lennie's hand slid around to pull Jack harder into the kiss. After only a moment's hesitation, Jack surrendered and opened his mouth, suddenly hungering to lose himself, lose all the pain and fear of this day, in the wonder of that kiss. He slid his good left arm around Lennie's back, pulling him closer, wishing for all the world that he had both arms to work with.  
  
Eventually, Lennie broke away, ending the kiss. A gentle hand again caressed Jack's face. "Jack, we can't do this now. Not today. You're hurt. You've been through too much today. I can't be sure you really want this. It could be a reaction to the stress. It could be a weird drug interaction. I don't have that excuse - you know how I feel now, and I can't take that back. But I can't go any further and take the chance that you would hate me in the morning."  
  
Jack looked deep into Lennie's eyes, saw the very real concern there, and nodded. Truth be told, he was somewhat relieved. A part of him wanted this, wanted it badly. He had definitely started to feel his body react to that kiss. He hadn't felt that way in a LONG time. But part of him was a little afraid. This was new territory. He had to admit that he wasn't at his best right now. Better not to do anything rash.  
  
"Yeah, you're probably right," he said shakily as he reached up to cover Lennie's hand with his own. "But will you still hold me?" Lennie smiled as they shifted to again gather Jack into a comfortable hold.  
  
They sat there like that on the couch for quite a while, not saying anything, just feeling safe and comfortable together. Until at last Lennie's stomach loudly protested the long overdue status of dinner. By that time, Jack had relaxed enough to eat something, so they ordered a pizza before calling it an evening. When the pizza arrived, Lennie got up to go get some drinks from the fridge and also grabbed the drugs he had gotten at the hospital pharmacy. Sorting through the bottles, he found the one he was looking for. "Here, take this. They said that painkiller shot would probably wear off overnight, so this should knock you out for tonight." Jack grimaced - "You know, I usually make a LOUSY patient. I HATE being sick." "Yeah, well you're not sick this time, you're injured. Big difference. Lucky for you I had a busted wing back when I was a kid, so I know what you're going through. So you listen to Dr. Lennie and we'll get you through this in one piece, OK?" Jack laughed, and Lennie melted inside to hear the sound. After all the pain of this day, that laughter was truly the best medicine for them both.  
  
They finished the pizza and settled back onto the couch for a bit. Lennie turned on the TV and channel hopped a while, finally settling on a football game. The stress of the day, the food, and the warmth of Lennie's arm around his shoulders - not to mention the nighttime painkiller he had taken - conspired to put Jack out cold. At a commercial, Lennie looked down at his friend and smiled. //Is it possible that we could really make this work? I think he meant it as much as I do, but I couldn't take that chance. I love him enough to take it slow, make sure it's real. Damn. I love him.// He gently ran his fingers through the silvery hair. "Come on, sleepyhead, bed time."  
  
He practically had to carry Jack back to the bedroom, and gently removed his shirt and jeans. Not being sure exactly what Jack usually wore to bed, he decided to leave him in his skivvies, thereby avoiding THE issue entirely. Well, not entirely. His own body was responding even to the thought of avoiding the issue. Damn. This was going to be an interesting night.  
  
He gently settled Jack into bed, drawing the covers over him like a child. A deep tenderness swept through him and he knew that even if tomorrow Jack decided not to take things any farther, their friendship would survive. He reached out and brushed the hair back from Jack's face and gently kissed his forehead. "'Night, Jack," he said softly as he headed for his own room. 


	2. Rebirth

Title: Phoenix: Ch 2: Rebirth Author: LavenderJade Fandom: Law & Order Email: lavenderjade@comcast.net Pairing: Jack/Lennie Summary: What just happened here? Disclaimer: Not mine (wish they were!), not making money  
  
Saturday morning - Rebirth  
  
Jack was having trouble waking up. He distantly registered that as odd - he was usually the kind of type-A personality who jumped out of bed the minute his eyes opened. He had never understood the people who used snooze alarms. But today, everything seemed fuzzy, like his brain was wrapped in cotton. But not a hangover. He knew well what a hangover felt like, and this was definitely not it. Similar, but not quite . . . besides, it had been a long time since he had been drunk enough for a hangover.  
  
He became dimly aware of an ache in his right arm and shoulder. He tried to stretch, to work out the kinks, and almost panicked as he realized he couldn't move the right arm at all. He groggily sat up, blinked and looked around . . .  
  
What the hell was Lennie doing in his bed??!!!!!!  
  
The memory of the previous day broke through the cotton, hitting him like a ton of bricks . . .  
  
The assault. The pain. The terror. The kiss.  
  
Oh. OH. But wait; hadn't Lennie backed off, not wanting to take advantage of Jack's weakened state? The day had been too traumatic, he had said. Can't trust that's it's really you saying yes. Wait at least until the drugs wore off . . .  
  
OK, that explained the cotton. The painkiller he had taken before bed.  
  
Then he remembered . . . ~~~ "NO!!! Dad, NO!!!!!" Jack's scream cut through the stillness of the night, bringing Lennie instantly awake and running into his friend's room to see Jack sitting up in bed looking utterly terrified. He sat down on the bed and took Jack into his arms. "It's OK, Jack, it's OK. It's all over now. This is just a nightmare." He glanced at the clock - 6AM. He thought about getting Jack another of the knockout painkiller pills to help him get back to sleep, but decided it was too late; he'd be asleep all day if he took another one now. So he did his best to calm Jack's fears, holding him as he had the night before on the couch. After a few minutes, the trembling stopped as Jack came more awake.  
  
He took a deep breath and pulled away a bit to look up at Lennie's face. "Oh, God, it was happening all over again . . ." Lennie reached over to gently brush the hair out of his eyes. Jack smiled weakly at the gesture, his eyes meeting Lennie's then quickly looking away, almost shy. "You gonna to be able to get back to sleep?" Lennie asked, concerned.  
  
Jack looked at his friend, the feelings they had begun to discover yesterday rushing back full force. "Lennie, would you stay with me? I really don't want to be alone right now."  
  
Lennie hesitated, not sure exactly what Jack was asking. "All right, if you think it will help you sleep," he hedged. Jack nodded and moved over, this time making his intentions perfectly clear. //Oh, God, in his bed. Take it slow, Lennie boy. It's a good sign, but it's still too soon.// Lennie pulled back the covers and crawled into the bed. With Jack's bad shoulder, it took them a while to find something comfortable for both of them, but eventually they did, and it wasn't long before Jack was snoring softly, wrapped in Lennie's arms. Lennie laid awake for a long while, just watching the slow rise and fall of Jack's chest.  
  
~~~  
  
Jack looked over at the man sleeping beside him. //I guess that wasn't part of the dream after all,// he thought, remembering. //Do I really want this? I'd better decide soon- it just wouldn't be fair to Lennie. He's been such a good friend . . .//  
  
But then, so had Claire been a friend first. Claire. He still couldn't believe that yesterday in his panic he had thought of Lennie, rather than her. It had been 5 years now since she died. Was he finally over it? Or was it just that this was different enough that it didn't feel like cheating on her? Did it matter? Could he truly love another man? His memory flashed back to the kiss. So much had happened in those brief moments, so many emotions. Longing, to be no longer alone. Love, for the friend who had become so much more. Desire - yes, he had to admit it - the kiss had roused his long dormant passions.  
  
But what about Lennie? If word of this ever got out, it could be very bad for a cop. But then, half the world seemed to think they were already lovers, had been ever since Lennie moved in. Maybe it wouldn't be so risky after all . . .  
  
//Claire, what should I do? Is it worth the risk to Lennie? Is it finally time for me to move on? Is it worth the risk to love again?//  
  
He could almost hear her sweet voice: //Jack, my love. Know that I will always be with you. Follow your heart and be happy again, my love.//  
  
He came out of his reverie and looked again at Lennie sleeping so peacefully beside him. Yes. It would be a new experience, that was for sure. He reached out and gently ran his fingers down Lennie's cheek. The roughness of the unshaven face felt odd, but that just made it more exciting. New and exciting and wonderful. //But this one-handed thing is going to get old VERY fast. I had a broken arm as a kid too, Lennie. Will you help me change my underwear?// He chuckled at the thought, only a little embarrassed by the response growing between his legs.  
  
The sound was enough to wake Lennie, who stretched luxuriously and rolled over onto his side, head propped on one arm, to look at Jack. "And just what are YOU laughing at?"  
  
Ulp! Lennie's attention had kicked the embarrassment - AND the arousal - up several notches; his face was beginning to feel quite warm . . . "Sorry, Lennie. Didn't mean to wake you. Uh, nothing in particular. Just happy to be alive, I guess."  
  
Lennie's eyebrow climbed practically off his face. "Right. That's OK, I'll let you off the hook this time." His expression turned serious. "How you feeling?"  
  
"OK, Lennie. I think I'm going to be OK. Thanks to you." He reached over and pushed a stray lock of hair back from Lennie's face, letting the touch become a caress. Their eyes met, and this time Lennie knew for sure. He sat up and drew Jack into his arms, into the kiss. This time there was no hesitation. Fire coursed through every nerve in his body as their lips closed together, Jack's tongue pushing into his mouth. The kiss was long and slow as they discovered each other. Lennie couldn't believe how good this felt. Yeah, he had played around with the fantasy, but the reality was turning out to be infinitely better. If he had had any doubts about getting it on with a man, they were long gone. At least with THIS man.  
  
Jack sighed as he released Lennie from the kiss; he was really getting hard now. "Oh, God, Lennie. I can't believe I'm doing this . . .can you believe I'm nervous?" Lennie traced his fingers from Jack's neck down the length of his good arm, ultimately taking Jack's hand in his. He lifted the fingers to his lips in a kiss. "We can take it slow, Jack. No rush. It's new to me too, we'll figure it out together."  
  
"Not too slow, Lennie. I haven't felt like this for so long . . ." He pulled his fingers from Lennie's and reached out to slide his hand under the pyjama top Lennie wore.  
  
"You want to lose the shirt, Lennie? I want to feel YOU. And I'm pretty useless at this undressing/dressing thing right now," he said with a mischievous grin. "Was that what you were laughing about?" Lennie asked as he slipped off the pyjama top, and in a moment of "what the hell" abandon also shed the pants. "Well, yeah, now that you mention it. Was picturing you . . ." Jack faded to silence as he realized he no longer had to picture Lennie in his mind.  
  
For the next hour, the world dissolved into a joyous tumult of discovery . . .  
  
~~~  
  
Jack couldn't remember when he had last been this happy. He remembered his "conversation" with Claire a little while ago - "Follow your heart and be happy again." Words to live by. "Lennie? Thanks for staying with me at the hospital yesterday. And here last night. I don't know what I would have done without you." But he couldn't quite say the words haunting the back of his mind . . .  
  
Lennie gently drew him back down, kissing the top of his head as he settled back into Lennie's shoulder. He heard the words Jack couldn't quite speak yet. He sighed contentedly; all was again good with the world.  
  
Author's note. Anyone wanting more details on that "hour of discovery," email me. 


	3. Shower Scenes

Title: Phoenix: Ch 3: Shower Scenes Author: LavenderJade Fandom: Law & Order Email: lavenderjade@comcast.net Pairing: Jack/Lennie Summary: Some good (not so) clean fun Disclaimer: Not mine (wish they were!), not making money  
  
Saturday Afternoon: Shower Scenes  
  
They had spent a long, lazy morning in bed, exploring the new sensations - and old ones given a decided twist. They finally decided to get up and get some lunch, having missed breakfast entirely. Lennie reclaimed his pyjama pants and ducked back into his bedroom to grab his robe, as Jack dug through a pile of laundry to find a pair of sweats. //Here we go!// Lennie thought with a mischievous grin, realizing that with Jack's arm strapped down to his chest, the simplest acts of dressing would give him plenty of opportunity to "take advantage of the situation." Not to mention to tease his lover. Oh, yes, this would be good!  
  
Lennie leaned in the doorway of Jack's room, watching him struggle vainly to pull the sweats up over his hips with only one hand. "Need some help there?" he said, trying to suppress the grin. Jack had also been thinking about the situation, and knowing his roommate's sense of humor, he had a feeling that Lennie would never be able to adopt the clinical, no-nonsense attitude his mother had taken when he had broken his arm as a teenager. "I don't suppose you could just help out without making a scene, could you?" He glared at Lennie, but he was also suppressing a grin, so the effect just fell flat. Lennie chuckled, came over, and simply tugged the offending garment into place. "But only because I'm hungry," he said as he turned to head kitchen-ward.  
  
After lunch, they remained sitting at the kitchen table. "God, what I wouldn't give for a shower," Jack said, running his hand through his hair. "Yeah, well, you're gonna have to make do with sponge baths for a while, my friend. No showers until they unstrap that wing. Which is next Friday. You need to give that shoulder a chance to heal. But I tell you what," Lennie's eyes were twinkling. "I'll head out and get one of those hand- held shower heads, that will make things a little easier." "Hand held? Lennie, I only have one hand to START with right now, how is a hand held shower head going to help?" "What makes you think YOU'LL be holding it?" Lennie grinned.  
  
A couple of hours later, Lennie had installed the new shower head. Jack was now very glad he had remodeled the bathroom years ago, trading the traditional tub/shower for an extra roomy stall shower that easily held two people. Lennie scrounged a plastic chair from the balcony, placed it in the shower. "Hmmm, kinda chilly in here. Need to warm things up a bit." Lennie stepped out of the shower, turned the water on and fidgeted with the temperature. "You want to close the door, Jack?" He had intentionally not showered before going out earlier in anticipation of this moment. Jack's eyebrows climbed as he realized what Lennie was up to. Lennie's clothes were now on the floor and he stepped into the shower, leaving the door open so that the whole room would steam up - and so Jack could see every movement. Jack stood transfixed, watching the water stream over Lennie's body. He still wasn't quite used to the idea that he was sexually attracted to another man. But he couldn't tear his eyes off that long, lanky frame, and the rapidly growing erection . . .  
  
Lennie grinned as he caught the expression on Jack's face. //Oh, yeah, play this for all it's worth! // He reached for the soap and worked up a good lather, starting with his chest and working down. He bypassed his crotch for now; plenty of time for that later. He placed a foot on the chair and bent forward to wash the leg, then switched legs. He reached up for the shampoo, took his time to work up the lather, then leaned back into the water to rinse it from his hair. Finally, he reached for the soap one last time and lathered up the tangled mass of hair below, moaning with pleasure as he finally touched himself. Knowing Jack was out there watching was turning him on beyond belief, and it didn't take long before his climax crashed over him. He leaned back against the wall and opened his eyes to see Jack still standing there, mouth slightly open, breathing heavily. Lennie shut the water off and reached for a towel as he stepped out of the shower. He quickly dried off his arms, chest and face, pulling the towel back over his sopping hair once to get at least the worst of the wetness. He dropped the towel and moved toward Jack, leaning in to kiss the already open mouth, hard.  
  
"So, did you like the show?" Lennie's rich baritone seemed to have dropped almost an octave. Jack swallowed. "Oh, god, yes." Lennie ran his fingers through Jack's hair and smiled, saying simply, "Your turn!" He slid his hands down Jack's body, careful not to disturb the wounded arm, slipping under the waistband of the sweats, pulling them down. He left them in a puddle around Jack's feet, then turned back to the shower to reposition the chair, turn the water back on, and point the shower head toward the back wall. He stepped aside so Jack could take his place in the chair.  
  
Not quite sure what to expect, Jack sat down and leaned back; Lennie had chosen a chair that would allow him to work on Jack's hair without getting that shoulder wet. Lennie took the shower head and played the warm water over Jack's body, carefully avoiding the bandages. He reached for the soap, held it under the spray to work up the lather, then started with Jack's good arm. He ran his hands over the shoulder and down the arm, spreading the warm soapiness, lifting to get the underside and the unbandaged parts of Jack's chest. His touch was a caress, sending shivers down Jack's spine. He pulled Jack forward slightly to get to his back, then reached for the spray to rinse away the suds. He knelt as he repeated the process for each leg, his hands covering every millimeter of Jack's skin. He stood again and had Jack lean back as he brought the spray to soak that thick silver hair. From behind, Lennie worked the shampoo into a thick lather, massaging the scalp and face and neck below it. The feeling was so sensuous that Jack let out a small moan. Then the warm water was washing it away . . .  
  
Quite a while later,. . .  
  
Lennie turned the shower back on to wash away the last of the mess as Jack ducked out to grab a couple of towels. "Hey, Lennie," he asked as he tossed a towel to the other man, "How about we save DRESSING for tomorrow. I don't think I can take any more "help" today!"  
  
Editor's note: OK, this just got TOO hot for prime time. If I didn't need it for a later reference, I had planned to leave it out. So this is the best edit I could come up with; hope it's toned down enough. If you want the rest, you know where to find me. 


	4. Doubts

Title: Phoenix: Doubts Author: LavenderJade Fandom: Law & Order Email: lavenderjade@comcast.net Pairing: Jack/Lennie Summary: Jack faces his doubts and talks to Skoda Disclaimer: Not mine (wish they were!), not making money  
  
Sunday Night / early Monday morning: Doubts  
  
// Jack huddled on the floor, trying to make himself as small as possible. He wanted to disappear completely. The huge, powerful hands were coming back toward him. Tossing him around like a rag doll. Hurting. He cried out in pain as he landed on his arm, breaking it. His father reached out toward him again . . . //  
  
"No, please, no! NO!!!!!!"  
  
Lennie woke at the sound, and sighed. Jack was having another nightmare. Third night in a row since the day he had been attacked. Unfortunately, it was Sunday night, and Lennie had to go back to work tomorrow. He rolled over and gently shook his bedmate, "Jack, wake up. It's just a dream." "Lennie? Oh, god, not again!" Jack sat up and buried his face in his hands. Lennie sat up and wrapped his arms around his lover. Jack flinched at the touch. "Jack, what's wrong?"  
  
"I don't know. Guess I'm just jumpy, is all." "No, you've been distant all day. What is it?"  
  
Jack didn't want to hurt Lennie. But it was easier than talking about the dream . . .  
  
"I don't know, Lennie. Maybe you were right Friday night - we shouldn't have moved so fast. We should have waited for reality to come back."  
  
"You having second thoughts, about us?" Lennie's stomach did a flip-flop. He pulled back, releasing his friend from his embrace and propping himself up on the pillow.  
  
"Is this so easy for you?" Jack looked at him. "You said you'd never been with a man before, either. Yet you seem so comfortable with it - no doubts, no uncertainty? This happened so fast, I'm not sure I'm even ME anymore!"  
  
"Trust me, Jack. You're you. I guess it is easier for me - I had a little more time than you to get used to the idea . . ."  
  
Jack looked at him, confused. "What do you mean?"  
  
Lennie hesitated, pretty sure Jack wasn't going to like what he was about to say. "This past September. Remember when you conned me into riding that deathtrap with you? And we got caught in that downpour?" It had been a perfect early autumn Saturday, too nice to be cooped up inside. Jack had badgered Lennie all morning until he had agreed to go out on the bike. "Your shirt was soaked through. I was sitting behind you, feeling that engine purring, feeling you through the wet shirt. I don't know why, Jack, but I started feeling aroused. Shocked the hell out of me. Never in a million years would I have expected that. But I couldn't deny what had happened. It was either accept that I could be attracted to a man, or deny a part of myself. Since then, I've kicked the idea around the block a few times. Hell, half the world already thought we were lovers, might as well do the crime if we were already doing the time! But believe me, I NEVER would have actually done anything. I figured your heart belonged to Claire, and probably always would."  
  
Jack stared at Lennie, shocked. "You've been fantasizing about me since September?" // And whose idea was it to get him onto the bike in the first place? // His conscience countered.  
  
Lennie nodded. "Yeah, so I've already had time to deal with this. That's why I didn't want to do anything Friday night. But yesterday morning, you seemed so sure . . ."  
  
Jack sighed, running his fingers through his hair. His Catholic upbringing was rearing its ugly head. // And just what would your father say about this? // But that was too close to the real issue, so he ducked it. "Lennie, I'm sorry. I just don't know how I feel about this right now. Maybe you better sleep in the other bedroom the rest of the night . . ." Lennie nodded sadly and got out of bed, reaching for his robe on the way out.  
  
Seeing the hurt in Lennie's eyes left a dagger in his heart. Jack fell over onto his side, pulling the warm pillow Lennie had left behind into a one-armed embrace, and cried silently until he finally fell asleep again.  
  
Lennie was up way too early the next morning. He had laid awake in the guest room for a long time, wondering if he had done the right thing in telling Jack about his fantasies. He remembered how uncomfortable he had been that first day. //Why was this happening to him? Was he gay? Was that why his marriages had failed? But then why had he never felt like that before in all his 50-odd years? Why now - why Jack? // He still didn't have good answers to all the questions, especially those last two. But he had decided that some things were simply meant to be. He hoped Jack just needed some time to work it out for himself.  
  
The plan had been for him to get Jack up and dressed before he left. // Let him sleep. If he needs me, he'll call. // He headed for the station, working on his explanation for when Ed asked why he looked like shit. Because Ed WOULD ask. And he wouldn't leave well enough alone. Jack was having nightmares. Loud ones. That should be enough to placate his nosy partner . . .  
  
When Jack finally woke up, the daylight was streaming in behind the curtains, and he realized that Lennie had to be long gone by now. 9:30. Yup, long gone. // I wonder if he's ever going to come back . . . // Jack wouldn't blame him if he didn't. He didn't know what had gotten into him last night. Yes, he had his doubts about this new kind of relationship. Until Friday, he had never even considered that their friendship might be something more. He was as straight as they come, a regular ladies' man. How many assistants had he bedded over the years? He had a reputation, for god's sake! He couldn't be gay! Not that there was anything WRONG with being gay, it's just that he WASN'T!  
  
// And yet . . . all those long evenings after Cathy died, holding Lennie as he cried. And whose idea WAS that motorcycle ride that had started Lennie on this path? Hadn't he secretly enjoyed it when Lennie wrapped his arms around him? The rain had just been a bonus . . .//  
  
If only he hadn't had the nightmare. Heart to heart conversations in the middle of the night were very Dickensian - either the best of times, or the worst of times. Three nights since the attack, three nightmares . . .  
  
The phone rang, startling him out of his reverie. "Hello? Abbie, hi, yes, I'm allright. Kinda banged up, broken arm, dislocated shoulder, whole damn right side strapped up, but nothing that won't heal. //nothing visible, that is . . .// No, please, Abbie, not today. I'm not ready for company yet. Maybe later this week, OK? I promise, I'll tell you the whole story over lunch. Yeah, they want me to keep the shoulder immobilized for a week. They'll unstrap me on Friday, so I should be able to be back at the office next week. But call me if you need anything - even though I can't write or drive or even pull on a damned shirt, my brain still works fine. OK, thanks, Abbie. Yeah. Bye."  
  
He had left a message on her voice mail yesterday with a watered-down version of Friday's events, saying he wouldn't be in this week. He was glad she called; Abbie was a great assistant. She could be just as stubborn as he was. It certainly kept things interesting. But not interesting enough to ask her out? Hell, when had his assistants started getting so young? And why was he even thinking about this?  
  
He sighed and got out of bed. Alone in the apartment, he was going to have way too much time to think today. But going out meant getting dressed, and with only one working arm, that wasn't too likely. Who the hell could he call for some help, here? If Adam Schiff hadn't retired, he could have certainly called on his lifelong friend and mentor. But Adam had retired to his home upstate. Certainly not the new DA, Nora Lewin, or Abbie . . . Wait a minute. Wasn't he supposed to meet Emil Skoda for lunch today? He could count on the good doctor's professionalism in an otherwise embarrassing situation. // and maybe a little advice, as well? //  
  
He dug out the phone number. "Emil? It's Jack. Listen, about lunch today . . . oh, Abbie already called you? Yeah, well, now that you have a nice big hole in your schedule, I was wondering if you could come over. Well, actually, I could use some help here. Yes, I told her I wasn't up for company today, but . . . you're going to make me say this, aren't you? I didn't want Abbie coming over because with this damned arm, I can't even put on my pants. Are you happy now? Fine, I'll see you in a bit."  
  
Shrinks. Had to make you admit to every little thing. Liz Olivett used to drive him crazy, trying to back-door psychoanalyze him when they were supposed to be talking about some of the nut-cases he had to prosecute . . . // But maybe there is something to this talking thing . . . //  
  
With a fair bit of effort, he managed to at least get his robe wrapped around his body and tied a one-handed slip knot in the belt. Skoda showed up a little later, grinning at Jack's discomfort. As he helped Jack into the jeans, he asked "So, I would have expected your roommate would have helped you with this?" Jack hesitated, the shrink's proximity to his private parts while mentioning Lennie practically made him squirm - exactly as Skoda intended. "I guess he decided to let me sleep this morning." "You, sleep in?" "Yeah, well it was a rough night last night." //Damn. Wasn't supposed to mention that . . . //  
  
Skoda regarded his friend. "You having trouble sleeping? From the attack?" // Oh, hell. He's not going to let it go now. Might as well get this over with.// Jack nodded, and led Skoda back out to the living room. Skoda took the chair, leaving Jack the clichéd couch. "Nightmares. Every night. And then Lennie and I had a fight . . ."  
  
"Last night?" "Yeah, he woke me up, said I was dreaming again." "He heard you from his room?" Jack bit his lip, decided to "fess up." "No." He looked up at Skoda, daring him to say something.  
  
//So, they finally gave in, huh?// Skoda thought as he watched Jack. He had been watching these two closely for a couple of months. A close friendship, closer than most. Jack didn't let many people get that close to him. Both aging bachelors, 3 failed marriages between them, both carrying a lot of pain. Both married to their very demanding jobs. It made a weird sort of sense. //It's not the main issue, but he wants to deal with this first. Anything to avoid talking about those nightmares.// Skoda just sat there, waiting for Jack to say the rest.  
  
Jack finally sighed and said "He was in bed with me. You happy now?" The standard shrink reply, "Are you?" passed through his mind, but he discarded it for now. With a shrug, he asked "How long has that been going on?" "Since Friday night. After the first nightmare, I asked him to stay." // the nightmare again. But let's deal with this first. // "For comfort." "Yeah. I didn't want to be alone." "Did it go beyond comfort?" Jack was obviously very uncomfortable right now. The red was creeping up his neck. "Saturday. Yeah, way beyond." "Did you enjoy it?" Swallow. Eyes averted. "Yes." "And this is a problem?" "I guess I just can't figure it out. I'm not gay. I've never been attracted to men before. So why now? Is this real, or was it just the stress of the assault?" "You're not gay. That much I can say with certainty. I've watched you watch women, Jack. You may be bisexual, but you're definitely not gay." Jack blinked, and stared at the shrink. Skoda smiled. "Hadn't thought of that option, had you? People tend to think of sexuality like a coin with 2 sides, gay or straight. But it's not that simple. There hasn't been a lot of research yet on this, but let me share with you something a grad student once proposed to me. She envisioned the range of human sexuality as a bell curve. As you move to the right along the bell curve, your percentage of "straightness" increases. So way up in the tip of the curve are the people who are close to 100% straight; at the beginning of the curve they are 100% gay. The way a bell curve is structured, there are very few of them at either end. The vast majority of people fall somewhere in between. Most of us are capable of experiencing pleasure with either men or women. But our society puts such a premium on straight relationships that unless you are pretty far into the "gay" tail of the curve, you tend to ignore that part of your sexuality. You get the satisfaction you need from your "majority" preference, so you don't need to look beyond that. But special circumstances can bring out the hidden side. Like an unusually close friendship. Or a near-death experience."  
  
He sat back, letting Jack take in the information. "Jack, I've been watching you and Lennie for a couple of months now. I won't say I was exactly expecting this, but let's just say I was wondering if you were going to provide some proof for that theory. You two are good for each other; you've certainly been much happier since he moved in here. Look, only you can decide if this is what you really want. Just don't throw it away because of preconceived notions. Loving Lennie now doesn't invalidate what you had with Claire. It doesn't make it a lie."  
  
//How did he know? // Jack sighed. He looked up at Skoda, smiled thinly, and nodded.  
  
"Good. Because you're going to need Lennie's help to get rid of those nightmares."  
  
//Oh shit. Back to that . . . //  
  
"Jack, it's obvious that you don't want to talk about the nightmares. You brought up issues about your sexuality to avoid the subject. For you, that's major avoidance. If you want to make an appointment to come to my office, I'll help you dig it out. But I think for you it would be better to talk to Lennie. You've never been one to respond well to a clinical setting. You resent the intrusion. But you two have a very strong bond of trust. Maybe if he can help you unlock that door, then I can help you deal with whatever is behind it. I have a feeling this is buried pretty deep, and it's probably related to your other concerns as well. If anybody can get to it, Lennie can. He's a pretty astute observer of the human condition."  
  
Jack chuckled. "That he is. Thanks, doc. You've given me a lot to think about."  
  
As Skoda headed to the door, he turned with one last comment. "Oh, by the way, Jack, don't be an ass. Call him and apologize." Skoda grinned at him as he closed the door behind him.  
  
He was right. Jack reached for the phone, tried Lennie's number at the precinct. No answer. "Damn it, what's it going to take to get him to use a cell phone!" He tried Ed's cell. "Hey, Ed, it's Jack. Is Lennie around? Oh. Listen, would you have him give me a call when he gets a chance? Thanks. Yeah, I'm OK. Right arm's a total mess, but it will heal. Yeah. Thanks."  
  
Lennie meandered back to his desk, coffee mug in hand. It was his fourth cup today, and it wasn't helping. He yawned as he sat back down at his desk. "Hey, Lennie," his partner called, "your roomie was just looking for you. Give him a call at home."  
  
Lennie hesitated before reaching for the phone, not sure what to expect. "Jack, it's me." "Oh, hi Lennie. How you doing?" "Hanging in there. Could have used a few more hours sleep." "Yeah, I know. Lennie, I'm sorry." Silence. "Look, I know you can't really talk now. I just wanted you to know. I had lunch today with Skoda, he gave me a lot to think about. We'll talk about it tonight, OK? Any chance you can get home early?" "I'll see what I can do. And Jack . . . thanks." "OK, Lennie. See you later."  
  
Damn it, why was he crying? Was it really that important to him? //Guess so, // he sighed.  
  
Just after 6PM, Lennie returned home, bringing Chinese food as a peace offering. Jack stood there, biting his lip, not sure what to say.  
  
"Lennie, I'm so sorry. I don't know what happened last night. I guess this thing affected me more than I wanted to admit. Skoda thinks that it's all related somehow, the nightmares, my ambivalence last night. He also thinks that you're the best one to help me sort this out. He's right - I don't respond well to shrinks prying around in my head. But I think maybe I could talk to you . . . Will you help me, Lennie? I need you . . ."  
  
Lennie's heart burst as the tears spilled over Jack's cheeks. His long stride ate up the distance across the room between them, his arms reaching out to hold his hurting friend. "I'm here, Jack. I'm not going anywhere." Jack buried his head into Lennie's shoulder; Lennie stroked his hair and bent to place a gentle kiss. "Whatever you need, Jack, I'm here. Even if it means sleeping in the other bedroom . . ." Jack looked up. "No, Lennie. I want you with me. Really. Skoda and I had a long talk today, and I think I at least have that part figured out. He has an interesting theory. . ." Lennie looked into his eyes, wondering if this time he could trust the answer there. He had a feeling this was going to be a roller coaster ride for a while. "Lennie, I have a confession. That motorcycle ride? I was aroused too. Why do you think I wanted you to come along? But I've gotten very good over the years at ignoring things I don't want to deal with. So while you dealt with it, I just buried it. I don't want to bury this anymore."  
  
Lennie nodded, accepting the likelihood that there would be more pain along this road, but that it would be worth it in the end. He took Jack's face between his hands and kissed him, tenderly. "We're in this together, Jack. We'll be ok."  
  
Jack sighed and leaned heavily against Lennie. // Oh, thank god. I couldn't bear to lose him now. // Lennie gave him one last squeeze, then let go. Putting his arm around Jack's shoulders, he headed in the direction of the food. "Come on, Jack. How about we eat dinner before I hang out my shingle?" Jack laughed and gratefully sank down on the couch beside Lennie as his roomie began sorting out the Chinese food boxes.  
  
After dinner, Lennie settled into the corner of the couch with Jack snuggled under his arm. "So what did you two talk about today that changed your attitude so much?" Jack had been so conflicted last night - or was it this morning? - that it was hard to reconcile with the man curled up around him right now.  
  
"Well, part of it was how much it hurt to send you away. I regretted it right after I said it." "That made two of us." Jack nodded and hugged Lennie's arm closer to him. "But I guess the biggest thing was that he told me that I'm not gay. I guess I was thinking Sunday that if this was real, all of my previous relationships had to be a lie. If I was really gay, I couldn't have truly loved a woman. I could accept that for most of it, but not Claire. //oh god, not again. I swear, if I could get my hands on that ghost haunting him . . .// I just couldn't convince myself that that had been a lie. But if it wasn't, how could this be real? It just wasn't making sense.  
  
"But Skoda gave me another option. He has an interesting theory . . ." Jack described the bell curve of sexuality that Skoda's grad student had come up with. "So I guess I'm like 90% attracted to women, and 10% to men, or something like that. You just happen to make the 10%." Lennie nodded. "You know, that actually makes a lot of sense to me." He trailed his fingers through Jack's hair. "So back in September . . ." "We were both subconsciously looking for an excuse." "Uh huh." He ran his fingers along Lennie's forearm. "Hey, Lennie. How about this spring we get away for a weekend? I know a place upstate where we can get a cabin for the weekend. Couple hours ride on the bike. Plenty of time before then to get you a custom helmet wired into my system so we can talk. Whaddaya say?"  
  
Lennie smiled. "Couple of hours on that deathtrap? With that big, vibrating engine and my arms wrapped around you? How many motels are you planning on stopping at along the way?" Jack laughed. "I take it that's a yes?" Lennie squeezed him to confirm and nuzzled at his neck. Jack never had gotten around to putting on a shirt . . . Sharp intake of breath as Lennie's tongue found the channel between shoulder and neck. "ooh, that's nice. Is this the part where we kiss and make up?" "What do you think?" Lennie asked as he pulled Jack around and silenced him with a kiss. 


	5. Reflections

Title: Phoenix: Reflections Author: LavenderJade Fandom: Law & Order Email: lavenderjade@comcast.net Pairing: Jack/Lennie Summary: Lennie finally figures it out Disclaimer: Not mine (wish they were!), not making money  
  
Tuesday Morning: Reflections  
  
The alarm buzzer jolted Lennie out of a sound sleep. He glared at the clock - 6AM. Lennie had awakened around 3AM; Jack had been thrashing in his sleep, obviously reliving the nightmare again, but this time, Lennie just rolled over and wrapped his arm over Jack, comforting him without actually waking him, aborting the nightmare. It worked; within minutes, Jack had fallen back into a deep slumber, and Lennie followed quickly.  
  
He looked over now to see Jack glaring at the alarm clock through half- closed eyes. "Go back to sleep; I'll get you up before I go." "Mmmph," was the only sound as the eyes closed. Lennie chuckled and got up, heading for the bathroom.  
  
Lennie gazed at his reflection in the bathroom mirror. Well, at least he looked - and felt - better today than yesterday. A good night's sleep with only minor interruptions will do that to you. Stepping into the shower, Lennie sighed as the warm water rushed over him. Life certainly had gotten interesting this last week. Jack as his lover. Not even a week, and they'd already had their first fight. He had worried from the beginning that Jack would have trouble accepting it, and he'd been right. Part of Jack's heart would always belong to Claire, his former assistant and lover whose death in an auto accident had actually brought Jack and Lennie together in the first place. Life was funny, sometimes. But maybe after his talk yesterday with Dr. Skoda, the DA's office's tame shrink, Jack would be able to come to grips with loving both of them. And maybe someday Lennie wouldn't even have to compete with her . . . // What was it Jack said Friday? "Lennie, I really thought I was going to die this afternoon. I've never been so scared in all my life. He held that knife at my throat and all I could think of was you, Lennie. Not Claire. YOU." // That statement had triggered their first kiss. He knew they had something special, knew it was worth working for. It was enough to make two otherwise straight guys throw out everything they knew about love and start all over again.  
  
Jack had asked him the other night, during that first fight, why it was so easy for Lennie to accept that he was attracted to a man. He had told Jack that he had been having these feelings for a few months, had had time to get used to the idea. Truth be told, he'd been wondering about this for years. After his second divorce, he'd had a couple of girlfriends, but nothing recently. Part of it was just growing older, but part of it was that it just didn't mean that much to him. Sex was OK, nothing more. Most times, he'd rather get friendly with himself in the shower than go through the effort of romancing a woman in the hope that maybe they'd get horizontal at some point. His heart just wasn't in it.  
  
He'd begun to think that maybe he had married and had kids more because it was expected of him than because it was what he wanted. He thought about that bell curve theory, and placed himself at about 30/70. Attracted to women enough to be able to function in the "straight" world, but he would probably have been happier had he opened his eyes to the other 70% of his potential. // Couldn't I have figured this out BEFORE I gut suckered into 2 alimony checks? // he chuckled. // Might even have kept me out of the bottle, too . . . // So far, his response to Jack seemed to be much stronger than anything he'd ever felt before. There was a playful aspect to it that he found vastly enticing. Their little shower scene on Saturday had undoubtedly been the hottest sex of his life. And WHERE had that exhibitionistic streak come from? Yup, he had a feeling that this was what he had been looking for all his life. Looking in all the wrong places. Well, he was in the right place now. This was exactly where he wanted to be. Where he belonged. 


	6. Nite Out

Title: Phoenix: Ch 6: Night Out Author: LavenderJade Fandom: Law & Order Email: lavenderjade@comcast.net Pairing: Jack/Lennie Summary: A favor for a friend Disclaimer: Not mine (wish they were!), not making money  
  
Tuesday afternoon  
  
"Aw, come on, Stefanik. Can't you just do me a favor here? All I want is two lousy tickets to tonight's Knicks game. Four would be better, but I'll settle for two. All you have to do is call your cousin at the box office . . ." "Briscoe, you know tonight's game is sold out." "Yeah, and YOU know there are ALWAYS a couple of tickets released at the last minute that some bigwig decides not to use. Come ON, Stefanik. You know what Jack's been through. He could really use a night out to unwind." "This is for McCoy? Damn, that was a nasty situation. OK, Briscoe, but you gotta do something for me." "Such as?" "Talk to Rogers for me. She's THIS close to saying yes, I know it. She likes you, Briscoe. Talk Rogers into goin' out with me, and I'll score your tickets for you." "What do I look like, a match-maker? Look, Stefanik, my ex-wife is the yenta, not me. Get your own dates." "Hey, that's the deal. Take it or leave it."  
  
Lennie sighed as he headed back to his desk. He REALLY wanted those tickets. Jack had been so stressed out lately, what with the attack, the nightmares, and the highs and lows of what was looking to be a roller- coaster of a relationship if he couldn't come to terms with loving another man. Lennie really wanted to do something special for him. Ideally, something that would bring back a bit of normality. And maybe remind him that they could still be "just friends" out having a good time. The basketball game seemed ideal. Even better if he could get 4 tickets and invite some others along, so Jack couldn't think it was a "date." Well, he and Ed had to go over to the ME's office this afternoon anyway . . .  
  
"So, Rogers, you got any plans for the weekend?" Lennie asked as casually as he could with Ed snickering in the background. "Why, Lennie, are you FINALLY asking me out after all these years?" Rogers' voice dripped with sarcasm as she fluttered her eyelashes. "Don't get your hopes up, Rogers. I'm out of the dating game. Permanently. Two alimony checks are enough, thank you. I'm just the messenger - actually, it's Stefanik asking." "Stefanik? Lennie, I have SOME standards!" Lennie sighed. He knew Stefanik had no shot with the ME, but . . . "Look, here's the deal. I'm trying to get Stefanik to get me some tickets to tonight's game for Jack. He's decided he'll only play if I can get YOU to play with him. Now all you have to do is give up one evening of your time, you get a free meal out of it, then you can dump him." "For Jack? You mean McCoy? Damn, that was a nasty situation . . ." "So whaddaya say, Rogers? Please?" "Well, I'll tell you what, Lennie. If you can get Van Buren off my back on this Stevenson thing, I'll have the time to waste with Stefanik. How about it?"  
  
Lennie closed his eyes and sighed. Didn't he see this in a MASH episode years ago?  
  
"OK, Rogers, I'll talk to her." He looked over at Ed who was just leaning in the corner smirking.  
  
"So anyway, Lieutenant, if you could just back off on Rogers on that Stevenson thing until Friday, she'll play ball with Stefanik, and I get the tickets. Please!"  
  
Anita was trying very hard to keep the smile off her face. "Well, Lennie if you could . . ."  
  
"Oh, no, Lieutenant, PLEASE, not another favor! How many people do I have to go through just to get these damned tickets?"  
  
"I was saying, if you could hand me that file over there, I'll take it down to Rogers and tell her myself." The grin broke through. Lennie laughed and shook his head. "You had to do that, didn't you?" "Hey, Lennie, you give me a setup like that and think I'm NOT gonna take it? Now go tell Stefanik and get your tickets."  
  
She chuckled as Briscoe left her office. Jack was lucky to have such a good friend as Lennie.  
  
Lennie flopped down into his chair as Ed looked on expectantly. "We're in. Just hope Stefanik's cousin can actually come through . . ." He reached for the phone. "Rogers - Van Buren is on her way to see you - you're good on the Stevenson thing. Can you call Stefanik and confirm you're good with him? Thanks, Rogers. You won't regret this."  
  
Half an hour later, Stefanik wandered over. "I didn't think you'd pull it off, Briscoe! Dinner with the most gorgeous redhead doctor around. You got 4 tickets waiting at will call, box seats."  
  
"Stefanik, you're a peach. Just don't scare her out of the precinct, OK?" As Stefanik headed off, Ed looked over at him. "So - 4 tickets. Who else is going?" "I was going to call Abbie, I know Jack would love to see her. And I figured I'd let you tag along." "Now that's what I call a partner!"  
  
He picked up the phone. "Hey Jack, you feel like going out for dinner? Bunch of us meeting over at O'Malleys at 6PM. Yeah, about time you got out of the apartment for a while. Great, we'll be by to pick you up about quarter of."  
  
They walked into the pub and Lennie quickly spotted Abbie holding down a table. Jack's face lit up when he saw his assistant; Lennie just smiled. // Just what he needed.// The four of them talked and laughed through dinner. About 7:00, Ed looked at his watch and said "Hey, guys, we better get going or we're gonna miss the tip off." Jack looked envious - "You got tickets to the game tonight? Damn, I would have loved to go. I thought it was sold out?" Ed looked at Lennie - "You didn't tell him?" "Nah, I wanted it to be a surprise. Until you opened your big mouth." "How the hell was I supposed to know that?" "Well, I wasn't saying anything about it, was I?" "So I'm supposed to read your mind?" Jack looked at them, incredulous. He couldn't decide whether to laugh at their bickering or be touched by their thoughtfulness.  
  
Lennie finally gave up sparring with Ed and turned to him. "So Jack, you up for it?" "You're serious - the Knicks game?" "Box seats, my friend. Best in the house." Ed chimed in, "Man, you wouldn't BELIEVE what Lennie had to do to get those tickets!" Ed recounted the story while they headed over to the game. "Stefanik, over in Vice, has a cousin who works in the Knicks box office. Lennie BEGGED him for tickets this morning. Stefanik figures he's got nothing to lose, so he sends Lennie on a wild goose chase to get Rogers to go out on a date with him." Abbie couldn't believe it - "Rogers actually agreed to go out with Stefanik for this? What did you put in her coffee?" "It's that old Briscoe charm. I turn it on, women just can't say no!" Jack bit back a laugh, settled for raising an eyebrow at Lennie. Ed - "You mean they can't say no to your checkbook, man." "What checkbook - at this point, there's nothing left."  
  
Ed rolled his eyes and picked the story back up. "So Rogers decides SHE needs to get something out of this beyond a free meal, so she sends Lennie chasing after the Lieu to cut her some slack on the Stevenson thing. So we head back to the precinct." Lennie picked up the narrative. "Yeah, so Van Buren decides to pull my leg, hinting SHE wants a favor too. I'm thinking I'm never going to get everything in line to get the damned tickets. But then she just asks me to hand her a folder and says it's my own fault for giving her such an easy setup." By this point, Jack had given in to the laughter. It was nice just having an evening out with friends. No issues, no doubts, no fears. Just friends.  
  
After the game, Ed dropped them back at the apartment. Lennie hung his overcoat in the closet and turned to help Jack out of his coat. Jack sighed as Lennie stuffed the coat into the closet. As Lennie turned to face him, Jack reached out and placed his hand on Lennie's arm. It was their first actual contact of the evening. "Thank you. I really needed that." "Yeah, I figured you could use some fun after the past couple of days." Lennie smiled and reached out to pull Jack into his arms for a quick squeeze, then pulled back and looked into his friend's eyes. "You know, Jack, even if we weren't sleeping together, I would have done this for you. Please don't ever forget that first and foremost, you're my best friend. I'd do just about anything for you." Jack reached out and placed his hand on Lennie's chest. "Me too, Lennie. Me too."  
  
Just then Lennie yawned, grinned sheepishly, and said "speaking of sleeping . . . shall we call it a night?" He slipped one arm around Jack's waist as they headed back to the bedroom.  
  
As Lennie spooned in behind him and wrapped an arm across his chest, Jack thought about how easily their normal camaraderie had asserted itself in public. Lennie was right - above all else, they were friends. He didn't have to worry about giving away too much in public and endangering Lennie. But here at home, and especially here in bed, he wanted to be close to his lover. And that was just fine too. 


	7. Revelations

Title: Phoenix: Ch 7: Revelation Author: LavenderJade Fandom: Law & Order Email: lavenderjade@comcast.net Pairing: Jack/Lennie Summary: Jack talks about his ordeal Disclaimer: Not mine (wish they were!), not making money  
  
Wednesday afternoon/evening  
  
Ed looked over at his partner digging through a pile of paperwork. //Might as well bring it up now, before we get called out again.// "Hey, Lennie. Got a minute?"  
  
Lennie looked up from the mountain of paperwork. The look on Ed's face warned him that something unpleasant was coming. "Yeah?"  
  
"Look, I know Jack's been through hell this past week. But he seemed OK at the game last night. And I need to get his statement about what happened so I can close out the file."  
  
Lennie sighed. "You know, I was hoping that after yesterday evening, he'd be tired enough to make it through the night. But I swear, last night's nightmare was worse than ever. But maybe talking about it will help him figure out why this is bothering him so much. Tell you what, Ed. How about you let me do this? He won't open up with you around, but maybe if it's just me we can kill two birds with one stone and he can finally put this behind him."  
  
Ed nodded. "You got a point there. OK, tell you what. I can spend the rest of the afternoon running down that lead on the Johnson thing. I'll tell the Lieu what you're up to and that you won't be back today."  
  
Lennie nodded. "Thanks, Ed." He sighed; this was not going to be easy, but it had to be done.  
  
Jack sat at the kitchen table, a stack of folders in front of him. At the game last night, he had complained to Abbie that he was dying of boredom. So this morning, she had brought him a stack of briefs to review, and they planned to get together tomorrow to go over them. He figured he might as well use his brain while he was resting his body.  
  
He looked up when he heard the door. "Lennie! What are you doing home so early?"  
  
"Actually, Jack, I'm not off the clock. I'm here on police business." Jack looked at him, confused. "Jack, I hate to do this to you, but we need your statement about what happened last Friday so we can close out the file. Ed put it off as long as he could, but . . ."  
  
The color drained from Jack's face, and he swallowed, hard. Lennie came over to stand behind him, laid his hands lightly on his friend's shoulders. "I know, Jack. But remember what you said Monday night? You need to get to the bottom of this, figure out what's haunting you. And you're not going to do that by keeping it all locked up inside. I asked Ed to let me handle this so we could face it together." He slid his hands down over Jack's chest, embracing him from behind, his chin leaning on Jack's good shoulder. Jack sighed and laid his head against Lennie's, brought his good hand up to squeeze the arm wrapped around him. "OK, Lennie. I'll try." "That's all we can ask."  
  
Lennie released him and held out his hand. Jack stood up and took it, following Lennie into the living room. Lennie took a small cassette recorder out of his pocket and placed it on the coffee table. He figured he would get too wrapped up in this to take accurate notes, anyway. "Don't worry, Jack, that's just for me. I'll write this up later, and you can destroy the tape. OK?" Jack nodded and Lennie turned on the recorder.  
  
"OK, Jack, just tell me what happened last Friday."  
  
Jack took a deep breath, let it out slowly, and began talking. "I was working on some stuff at home and realized I needed some files I had left at the office, so I went in to get them. I got there at about 4PM, the guard passed me through. Hey, how did he get past the guard?"  
  
"Killed him, Jack. One blow to the head. We found brass knuckles in his pocket."  
  
Jack's face fell. "Oh, shit. He looked so young . . ." Lennie reached out and squeezed Jack's arm. He nodded and went on. "I headed up to my office, found the files, and settled down to wait for you." Lennie nodded; they had planned to meet for dinner around 5. "It was really quiet, nobody around. So I was startled when about 15 minutes later I heard something in the hall. I thought it might have been you getting there early, so I got up and went to check. I was leaning out the door of my office when something hits me from the side and the next thing I know I'm on the floor of my office."  
  
Jack licked his lips, swallowed, and continued. "He stood over me, taunting me for not recognizing him. It took a minute, but I finally put it together. Bobby Owens, a thug we put away about 5 years ago, would have gotten out recently. He said he blamed me for ruining his life, and that he was going to kill me, but not until after he hurt me. God, Lennie, you saw him. The man is a giant. He picked me up by the arm - that's how it got dislocated - and just held me there while he yelled at me." Jack was becoming visibly agitated; Lennie again reached out a comforting hand. "He tossed me around like a cat playing with a mouse, Lennie. Every time I'd land on the floor, those huge hands just came back at me for more. I was so scared of those hands, Lennie!" Jack took a shuddering breath and bit his lip, obviously trying very hard not to break down. The back of Lennie's brain was sending off a warning bell - something Jack had said before about hands . . . //Hold that thought, Lennie boy, let's get through this first //  
  
Lennie put his hands on Jack's shoulders, squeezing gently. "Take it easy, Jack. It's OK." Lennie kept his voice calm, trying to give the other man strength, not sympathy. Jack took a few moments to calm himself, then nodded and began again.  
  
"He said that because it was a holiday, nobody would be coming to save me. He didn't know you were coming, but I didn't want to think how much more he could hurt me before you got there. I was so afraid you'd be the one to find my body." He looked into Lennie's eyes, then looked away, closing his own tightly against the tears. Finally, he looked up again.  
  
"At one point he tossed me out into the hall. Then the uniforms showed up and he put that knife to my throat. He held me like that for what felt like an hour till you showed up. I was so out of it at that point that I don't think I even recognized you. I really don't know what happened after that; the next thing I remember is being thrown down the hallway, and you holding me . . ."  
  
Lennie reached out and turned off the recorder, then gathered Jack into his arms just at he had that day. "It's OK, Jack. It's OK. He's not going to hurt you anymore." Jack leaned on Lennie's broad chest, not quite crying, but trembling. Lennie ran his fingers through the thick silver hair, gently caressing Jack's back and arms, waiting for the tremors to pass. Eventually, Jack took a deep breath and settled more comfortably into Lennie's embrace. "Oh, god, Lennie." Lennie kissed the top of his head. "I'm here, Jack. You're safe."  
  
They sat there like that for a while. //OK, now for the hard part. // "Jack, about the nightmares. Is it just this, or is there something else you're not telling me?" "I don't know, Lennie. I'm so scared when I wake up that I can't remember anything." Lennie held him in silence for a few minutes, then tried another approach. "Didn't you mention earlier this week that you had a broken arm as a kid too? How did that happen?"  
  
Jack wondered where Lennie was going with this. "I fell down the stairs to our basement. I was about 14, I think. Couldn't play basketball the rest of the season. Old man was really pissed at me."  
  
"Yeah, you've mentioned that your dad had a temper. You said he hit your mom; you never said if he hit you . . .?" Lennie left it hanging as a question.  
  
"Yeah, sometimes. I was so afraid of those hands . . ." Jack shivered with the memory. "Jack, are you sure you just fell down the stairs?" "Of course I'm sure . . ." But the look on Jack's face showed the doubt creeping in. "Jack, this wouldn't be the first time I've seen an abused child confuse the lie with the truth. You were told to tell everybody you had fallen so that the truth wouldn't get out. Eventually, you tell a lie often enough, you start believing it."  
  
Jack pulled away, sitting up to look at Lennie in confusion. "How . . .?" "Jack, a couple of times this week I thought you were saying "No, Dad!" in your nightmares. Last night, I was sure that was what I heard. And then today, you mentioned Owens' hands. Owens reminded you of your father, that's how he got so far under your skin. What happened here was too similar to what your father did when you were 14. You've been trying to remember what really happened. And maybe now that you have, the nightmares will go away."  
  
Jack leaned forward, arm on his knee, head in his hand. He had expected some major release when he finally figured this out. But right now, all he felt was numb. //How did I not see this?// he wondered. //Because you're too damned good at burying things you don't want to deal with. Even obvious ones. // He felt Lennie's hand gently rubbing his back. "Jack?"  
  
He sighed. "I'm OK, Lennie. Maybe too OK. It seems too simple." "I think there's at least one more part to it, Jack. Your subconscious has been digging up the old man. What would he think about us?" Jack looked at Lennie, stunned. "He'd kill me. No questions asked." //Is that why I asked Lennie to leave after the nightmare Sunday? Was it Dad talking?// "I figured as much. Jack, he's as dead as Owens. Neither one of them can ever hurt you again. Do you think you can get on with your life without them haunting you?"  
  
Jack saw the hope, the need in Lennie's eyes. Suddenly all the pent up emotions came to a boil, the anger, the hurt, the pain, the love, all distilled into a white-hot passion. //YES!!! That bastard does NOT rule my life. I DO want this. I will never let him take Lennie away from me. //  
  
Jack spun around and kissed Lennie hard, crushing their lips together, his tongue probing deep into Lennie's throat. Lennie wasn't sure what had hit him, but he eagerly wrapped his arms around Jack and returned the kiss with his own growing passion. Jack eventually had to come up for air. He caressed Lennie's face, looking deep into his eyes. "I want you, Lennie. I feel like I'm going to explode. I need you, now. God, I wish I could tear your clothes off! Damn this arm!" Jack's voice had risen almost to a scream. He had to MOVE or explode, so he leaped up off the couch.  
  
Lennie saw the fire in Jack's eyes, realized that this was the catharsis he needed. He got up and quickly shed his tie and shirt, then Jack's. He pulled Jack to him for another crushing kiss, his hands sliding all over his lover's back. This time when breathing forced them apart, both were trembling with the passion. Jack grabbed his wrist and started toward the bedroom . . .  
  
Back in the bedroom, Jack pulled him into another kiss, this time sliding his hand down Lennie's back to cup his ass, pulling them so close he could feel the hardness answering his own. As Lennie's arms tightened around him, he slid the hand around to the front and fumbled one-handed at Lennie's zipper. Lennie broke off the kiss to free his hands to take care of the situation. Soon, both were completely nude; Jack all but pushed Lennie down onto the bed, throwing himself on top of him, tracing a line of brutal kisses down his neck. //Thank god for collared shirts and neckties, // Lennie thought, // that's going to be a hickey//  
  
Jack was not normally into rough sex, but today something inside just burst. He hungered for Lennie in a way he had never felt before. "Oh, god, Lennie, I want you. I need you. I want to fuck you so bad . . . ."  
  
When it was over, they sat side by side on the bed, Lennie's arm around his shoulders. Jack leaned against him and sighed. "Did we really just do that?" Lennie smiled and squeezed. "Yeah, we did. Gimme your hand." He pulled the latex glove off with a practiced snap, inside out, and tossed it into the trash can. // Who'd have thought THAT would be a useful job skill! // He got up, ducked into the bathroom, cleaned up his own mess and brought back a warm washcloth for Jack to clean up with. Jack was still just sitting there, kind of dazed.  
  
Lennie sat back down beside Jack, and gently drew him down so that they lay side by side, Jack's head pillowed on his shoulder. He gently trailed his fingers over Jack's arm. "You OK?" it was his turn to ask. Jack took a deep breath and turned to look at his lover. "Yeah. I think I'm finally all right now." He had once and forever eradicated the ghost of his father in this ultimate act of rebellion. He rolled over so he could wrap his arm and leg over Lennie in a full body embrace. "Thanks, Lennie. I didn't hurt you, did I?" Lennie wrapped his arm tighter around his lover. "A little more warm-up would have been nice, but we'll have plenty of time for that next time." "You're sure?" "Yeah."  
  
Jack sighed and buried his face in Lennie's shoulder. Lennie's fingers found their way into his hair. They just laid there for a little while, then Lennie spoke. "I love you, Jack. With all your ghosts and demons, your doubts, I love you more than I've ever loved anyone. I know you're probably not ready for that yet, but I had to say it." Jack's fingers were tracing a random pattern on Lennie's chest. He laid his hand over his lover's heart. "I'm ready, Lennie. No more doubts. Wherever this takes us, I'm in for the long haul." He looked up, into Lennie's eyes. "I love you too." A single tear rolled down Jack's cheek; a remnant of the earlier stress. Lennie reached up and brushed it away, drawing Jack into the tenderest of kisses. 


	8. Survivors

Title: Phoenix: Ch 8: Survivors Author: LavenderJade Fandom: Law & Order Email: lavenderjade@comcast.net Pairing: Jack/Lennie Summary: Jack and Abbie find something in common Disclaimer: Not mine (wish they were!), not making money  
  
Thursday  
  
Jack distantly heard Lennie's alarm clock buzzing, and felt his lover leave the warmth of their bed. He yawned and rolled over, knowing he had about half an hour still before Lennie would come to help him dress before leaving for work. His thoughts drifted back to the previous evening . . .  
  
After the intense passion of the afternoon, they had relaxed together on the bed for a while, then got up and ordered in an early dinner. Later that evening, Lennie had led him into the bathroom for his bath. He had to admit that while not having use of his right arm was annoying, this part had turned out to be something he would miss. He had never imagined anything so luxurious as having someone who loved you care for your body so intimately. This night by unspoken mutual consent, it stayed intimate without becoming passionate. He sighed as he leaned back in the chair and felt Lennie's strong hands massaging his scalp and neck. "Where did you learn to do that?" he asked lazily. "Dated a hairdresser once. Most sensual thing I ever felt." "Mmmm, I'd agree with that . . ." They had gone to bed after that, Lennie spooned behind him, content in just being together.  
  
And that was the last thing he remembered. No nightmare. Just waking up here beside Lennie. He smiled. Yes, life was good.  
  
A little later he felt Lennie shaking him. "Hey, sleepyhead, wake up." "Why?" he asked petulantly, trying to pull Lennie back down into the bed instead. Unfortunately, with only one hand, it just wasn't working. Lennie laughed. "Come on, you. You said Abbie was coming over this morning. You don't want her to find you like this, do you?" "Well, . . ." Jack paused, just long enough to make Lennie think he was seriously considering it. Lennie's eyebrows climbed up his forehead. Jack laughed. "You're jealous!" "I am not!" "Oh, yeah?" "Well, maybe a little. She's young and beautiful . . ." Jack sat up, chuckled, and reached out to caress Lennie's face. "She's not you. And right now, you're all I want." Lennie bent down to kiss him. "As much as I'd love to play with you all day, I have to get to work. Come on, let's get you dressed." Lennie yanked back the covers, exposing him to the chill morning air. "HEY!" Lennie laughed and ducked the pillow awkwardly flung at him.  
  
Abbie had shown up about 9AM. Since she was officially "working from home" today, not planning on going in to the office, she was comfortably dressed in jeans and a sweater. As a surprise, she had brought breakfast; Jack's favorite sweet rolls from the bakery near the DA's office. They sat at the kitchen table, chatting over the coffee and rolls.  
  
After catching Jack up on the office gossip, Abbie's face got serious. "Jack, are you OK? Lennie said you'd been having nightmares . . ." Jack saw the concern in her eyes, and smiled. It was funny; for someone who had such a reputation with his assistants, it seemed so out of place. After Claire had died, he just wasn't interested in another relationship, and besides Jamie was pretty well taken when he met her. Then Abbie had come, and this time the dynamic was entirely different. Lennie was right - she was young and beautiful. Too young. If anything, Jack kind of hoped she saw him as a father figure. He was touched by her concern. He reached out and laid his hand over hers. 'I'm fine, now, Abbie. Lennie and I had a long talk yesterday. I think I've finally sorted it all out."  
  
Abbie smiled, but there was a tinge of sadness in it. "It all doesn't go away with one conversation, Jack. Trust me, I know." Jack looked at her, confused, then remembered. Abbie was a rape victim. He squeezed her hand, shaking his head. "It's not the same, Abbie."  
  
"Isn't it? Jack, somebody physically larger and more powerful than you attacks you, using pain and terror to dominate you. You've heard the shrinks say it time and time again; rape isn't a sex crime, it's a crime of violence. You were violated every bit as much as I was . . ." She was fighting back the tears.  
  
Jack sat back, stunned. His first reaction was anger. Not only had this situation dredged up his past, it had brought back painful memories to Abbie, too. // It's a damned good thing Owens is already dead . . . // Then her words began to sink in. She had a point; there were a lot of similarities. But he doubted he would have had nightmares just from the recent attack. Yes, it had been brutal and violent; but there was something impersonal about it that made the analogy fall apart. // Unlike the first time . . . // Remembering the day she had confessed her secret to him, he suddenly had the overwhelming urge to tell her the real reason for his nightmares.  
  
"Abbie, you're right. I was violated. But it didn't happen last week. It happened when I was 14. I came home at the wrong time; my drunken asshole father was taking it out on my mom. I tried to stop him, and he spent the next 15 minutes doing pretty much what Owens did to me last week. We told everybody I fell down the stairs; I eventually convinced myself that was what really had happened, and suppressed the memory. That's why I had nightmares. I didn't want to remember that I had been beaten by my own father."  
  
Abbie's eyes were wide with horror. "Oh, god, Jack!" He squeezed her hand again. "It's OK, Abbie. Once I remembered, I could get past it. Both Owens and my old man are dead. Neither one is ever going to hurt me again. But I think I do understand, now, at least a little of what you've been through. You move on, but nothing ever quite washes it away completely, does it?"  
  
Abbie looked up into his eyes. "No." was all she could manage to say. Jack let go of her hand, got up, and came around the table to crouch in front of her. He tenderly brushed a tear from her face. "Abbie, you and me, we're survivors. Fate threw us a couple of nasty curves, but we persevered. Please don't let this bastard rattle you. He's not worth the trouble." She smiled weakly. "That's my girl!" She took his hand between hers and squeezed.  
  
Jack groaned as he stood up. "Sucks to get old." "Hey, beats the alternative, Jack." She smiled at him and got up to go get some more coffee. "So, did you get any time yesterday to go over these briefs?"  
  
They spent the rest of the day going over briefs and discussing the details of each case. Working with Abbie was fun; she was every bit as hotheaded and passionate about the law as he was. They challenged each other, and ended up with good solid logic. Jack felt good to be back at work; he found he was finally really looking forward to going back to the office on Monday. The thought of going back to the place he had been attacked no longer scared him, now that he knew where the real demon lay.  
  
They didn't even realize how late it had gotten when Lennie walked in at about 7PM. They were arguing about a case and almost didn't notice him. Lennie chuckled and raised his voice to be heard. "Counselors! Hello! Court is adjourned for today!" Jack did one of his classic double-takes, glancing at the kitchen clock then back at Lennie, and laughed. "Hey, Lennie! Sorry about that, we lost track of time." Abbie also looked at the clock, stunned. "Oh, god, Jack, I've got to run if I'm going to make it to aerobics class tonight." Jack followed her to the door, helping her with her coat as best he could with one arm. She turned to him. "And Jack? Thanks for telling me." She leaned in and kissed him on the cheek, then quickly ducked out the door.  
  
Jack blushed as Lennie stared at him with one eyebrow cocked high. "You told her about us?" Jack decided to let Lennie squirm for a bit. "Would that bother you?" Lennie sighed. "Not really; Abbie's a good kid."  
  
Jack decided to let him off the hook. "Actually, she was referring to my old man. This thing with Owens really shook her. She was attacked a while back, told me about it on one of our first cases together. Today was my turn to share. Fellow survivors and all that."  
  
Lennie was taken aback. "Oh," was all he could say. Jack smiled at him as he crossed the room and reached out to caress Lennie's face. "It's OK, Lennie. Abbie and I are both pretty tough; we're fine. As to "us," I probably will tell her sometime next week; today just didn't seem like the right time. I know this could cause problems for you if it gets out, Lennie. Believe me, I'm used to keeping my work and personal lives quite separate. In almost 30 years in the DA's office, I'm not sure I've ever dated somebody I wasn't "not supposed" to. But we can trust Abbie, Lennie."  
  
Lennie smiled and wrapped his arms around his lover. "You know, for some reason I'm just not that worried, Jack. People have been speculating about us for so long and we've been denying it for so long, that I don't think anybody would believe us if we tried to tell the truth now. But you're right about Abbie, and I have a feeling Ed will figure things out soon enough - he is a detective after all, and might even just turn out to be a pretty good one." "Well, he's had a good teacher," Jack observed as he pulled Lennie's head down into a kiss, effectively ending the conversation. 


	9. Christmas

Title: Phoenix: Ch 9: Christmas Author: LavenderJade Fandom: Law & Order Email: lavenderjade@comcast.net Pairing: Jack/Lennie Summary: A very happy ending Disclaimer: Not mine (wish they were!), not making money  
  
A few weeks later  
  
Christmas. Just another day he had to work. That's all it had been for more years than Lennie cared to remember. But not this year. This year, it meant something special, but he still couldn't get the damned day off. Department policy - officers with families got first dibs on holidays off. That didn't leave much room for guys like Lennie Briscoe. On paper, he had no family. Twice divorced, estranged from his remaining daughter.  
  
No one knew that there was someone special in his life again. Oh, sure they suspected. After all, Jack and Lennie had been roommates for 3 years now. The rumors had started back when he first moved in. They hadn't been true then, but they were now. Jack's brush with death 2 weeks ago at the hands of an man he had convicted years ago had pushed them into each others' arms. Neither could explain it, so they didn't bother to try. It simply was.  
  
They had agreed when he first moved in that they would "officially" ignore the holiday - no tree, no decorating the apartment, and most importantly, NO GIFTS. Lennie decided that since they were already breaking so many other rules, that one was out the window as well. So this year, he wanted to do something very special for Jack for Christmas. But what?  
  
Lennie actually got out of the precinct at a reasonable hour that day, and headed home whistling a Christmas carol. When he got there, the answering machine light was blinking. "Hey, Lennie, it's me. Looks like Abbie and I will be here late working on this Thompson thing. Don't wait dinner for me. See you later."  
  
Lennie sighed, disappointed. He headed back to their bedroom to change into something more comfortable. //"Our" bedroom. Still can't quite believe that.// Lennie shook his head and smiled. As he walked to the closet, the light caught something on Jack's dresser. "Wait a minute, maybe that's it . . ." He picked up a small glass box that held a length of gold chain . . .  
  
//Flashback. The day after Jack's assault. Lennie had come into Jack's room overnight to comfort his friend after a nightmare; it had been the first time they slept together, and the next morning they had made love for the first time.//  
  
Jack finally got out of bed and stood in front of his dresser, staring at the bandages wrapping his dislocated shoulder. Something looked wrong . . . "Lennie, have you seen my chain?" Lennie dug around in his memory to figure out what Jack was talking about. Oh, yeah, a gold necklace. He had often seen it on weekends when Jack would wander out wearing just his robe over a pair of sweatpants. Nice - looked expensive, pretty heavy chain. "Last time I saw it was when they cut your shirt off at the hospital yesterday. You were wearing it then. Did they take it off when they bandaged up your shoulder?" "I was pretty groggy then, I don't remember." Lennie's detective instincts cut in and he found the jeans he had tossed aside last night after Jack crashed from the meds. Checking all the pockets, he found the missing chain. "Here you go. Want me to put it back on you?"  
  
Jack got really quiet for a moment, then looked up into Lennie's eyes. "No. Claire gave it to me, Lennie. It's time to put it aside." He took the chain from Lennie and poured it into the little glass box on his dresser . . .  
  
On a cop's salary, there was no way Lennie could afford a fancy gold chain like that. But Claire had given him gold; Lennie wanted something different. Maybe something similar in silver, to match Jack's gorgeous hair. Yeah. That he could afford.  
  
The next day at lunch, he tried to ditch his partner, Ed Green, so he could get to a jewelry store. Ed was having nothing of it. He had been with Lennie when they responded to the silent alarm at the DA's office, had seen the panicked look in his partner's face when they thought McCoy might die. Lennie was his friend and partner; if anything happened to him, Ed would be pretty upset. But what he saw that day went way beyond upset. And since then, Lennie had been acting different. Happy - even whistling Christmas carols, for god's sake! If Ed didn't know better, he'd think his partner was in Love. Lennie had always discounted the rumors about him and Jack, but Ed was thinking something had changed, and he was determined to find out what.  
  
So when Lennie mentioned going out at lunch to do some Christmas shopping, Ed was all over it. Lennie did NOT want company, but Ed was NOT going to back down either. Lennie decided maybe he could look, just not buy anything, so he reluctantly let Ed tag along. Ed grinned and grabbed the keys of their unmarked car.  
  
"So where we goin'?" Ed asked as he started the car, grinning at his partner. "Jewelry store, corner of Lexington and 117th." Lennie looked sideways at his partner, expecting the next comment. "Ooooh, jewelery! Lennie, you been holdin' out on me? You got a new main squeeze and you don't even tell your partner?" Judging from the glare Lennie cast in his direction, Ed figured he'd struck a nerve. "Come on, man, you can tell me. Who is she?" There. Keep it playful, give him the chance to spill . . .  
  
"Ed, there is no new woman in my life. Got it?" Lennie scowled at him. "So why you been so happy lately, then? Seriously, Lennie, we've been partners over a year now. Something's up. Whatever it is, WHOever it is - you can tell me." The teasing was gone from his voice now. He really hoped Lennie would trust him. Lennie hesitated, not sure if he was ready to share this. "Ed, I can't. Not yet."  
  
Ed pulled the car into a parking space and turned to face his partner. "It's McCoy, isn't it? Lennie, I was with you that day; I saw your face. And ever since then, you've been floating on cloud nine. Look, it's OK with me; I ain't gonna cause you no trouble over this. I just want you to be straight with me, OK?"  
  
Lennie's face had gotten about as red as it could get. Then the last of Ed's words registered. "Nice choice of words, there, partner!" Ed looked confused, then realized what he had said. They both burst out laughing, washing away the tension that had been building.  
  
Lennie drew a deep breath. "OK, Ed, you got me. But please - I'm really not ready to talk about this yet, so cut me some slack, will you?" Ed nodded. "Tell you the truth, I'm not sure I WANT to know anything more . . ." Lennie chuckled as he got out of the car, heading in to the jewelry store.  
  
Across town, Anita Van Buren sat in the DA's office going over a couple of cases with McCoy and Carmichael. //He looks pretty good for a man who almost died 3 weeks ago// she thought. His right arm was still in a cast, held loosely in a sling. But the thing she noticed most was that he was smiling more lately. Jack McCoy almost never smiled. Ever since Claire had been killed, he had thrown himself even further into his work. He had lightened up some when Lennie moved in with him a couple of years ago. She figured they were good for each other, both had needed a friend. But ever since that attack, Jack seemed, well, happy. Like some great burden had been lifted. And now that she thought about it, Lennie also seemed to be more cheerful than usual at this time of year. Yesterday, she was sure she had heard him whistling a Christmas carol! Was something going on here?  
  
They finished their conference, and Abbie left to track down some missing paperwork. "Anita, could you stay for a moment?" Jack asked as he got up to close the door behind his assistant. She nodded and sat back down, curious.  
  
Jack sighed. He was taking a chance here. "Anita, I wanted to ask you a favor. It's about Lennie." He paused. "Anita, he saved my life. I wanted to do something special for him this Christmas. I know department policies give priority to officers with families for time off. But Lennie hasn't had Christmas off in 15 years. Is there ANY chance you could swing something here?" There. He hoped it was a good enough excuse . . .  
  
Anita was intrigued. Yes, something WAS going on here. Oh, it sounded like a good enough excuse, except for the red flush that was creeping up McCoy's neck, and the nervously fidgeting hands. Should she push it? Gay cops weren't welcome in some circles, and if she knew for sure, she could protect them, help keep the secret. It would be better if Lennie told her, but . . .  
  
"Jack, is there something you're not telling me?" //Uh oh, you blew it, McCoy// He avoided her gaze. "Anita, it's really not my place to say . . ." "Then let me tell you. Most people going through what you did 3 weeks ago would come back to work fearful, introspective, hurt. You've smiled more in the last 2 weeks than in the previous 2 years! It's like some great burden you've carried is gone. Like you finally let her go." Jack looked up, startled. Was it that obvious? "And Lennie. Yesterday, I heard him whistling a Christmas carol. We usually call him the precinct Grinch, Jack. Both of you are floating on cloud nine, and I think I know why." She met his eyes, an eyebrow cocked, asking the question.  
  
Jack felt the heat rising, knew his face was flushed. "Anita, you know what this could do to Lennie if word gets out . . ." "Yeah, and as his boss, I can protect him. Now that I know." Jack nodded. "Jack, I really can't do anything about Christmas day. There are enough officers with little kids that there's no way I can let Lennie off. But I can do this. I'll assign him to the later shift, he won't have to come in at the crack of dawn. And I'll make sure I throw him out early Christmas Eve, so you two can have some time together then. OK?"  
  
Jack smiled and nodded. "Thanks, Anita." "Don't worry, Jack. You're secret's safe with me."  
  
After Anita left, Jack sat back and continued trying to come up with an idea of what to get Lennie. He was at a loss. He realized that his standard "fall-back" gift ideas for lovers was out of date, given the circumstances. And besides, he didn't want something "fall back"; he wanted something intensely personal, some piece of him that Lennie could keep with him all the time. Like that chain had been his way of keeping Claire with him all these years . . . hmmm . . .  
  
Christmas Eve. Jack hurried out of the office at lunchtime; he had a lot to do this afternoon. First the doctor - he hadn't told Lennie that he was getting the cast off today. A little shop on 23rd street - candles, lots of them, scented with pine and cinnamon. Tower records - some instrumental Christmas music, Wyndam Hill, Mannheim Steamroller. Finally, the grocery store - steaks, potatoes, a side salad, and a bottle of non-alcoholic champagne.  
  
Lennie looked at the duty roster twice to make sure he was seeing correct. By some miracle, he was on the second shift Christmas day instead of the early shift. He would actually be able to sleep in, maybe even . . .  
  
"Hey, Lennie, you wanna go get something to eat?" Ed's voice startled him out of the reverie. Lennie looked at his watch - 6:30. "Yeah, might as well grab something while it's quiet." They headed out to the car, Ed grabbing the keys. They chatted aimlessly as Ed drove, until Lennie noticed their surroundings. "Hey, Ed, where we going? This is my neighborhood . . ."  
  
Ed grinned as he pulled up in front of Lennie and Jack's apartment building. "Strict orders from the Lieu, man. I'm supposed to deliver you here at precisely 7PM, throw you out and not take no for an answer. So git!" Lennie looked at his partner, dumbfounded. "Hey, don't argue with me man, I'm just the delivery boy!" Lennie laughed. "Well, I can't argue with that! Thanks, Ed." He smiled at his partner as he got out of the car. "Hey, Lennie - Merry Christmas, man!" He waved as Ed pulled away.  
  
So VanBuren was in on the secret too? He wondered how she had found out. Probably figured it out just like Ed had. Luckily, there weren't too many other folks around the precinct who knew him well enough to pick up on it. He hoped. He wondered if Jack had anything to do with this as he walked down the hall to their apartment. Figuring Jack had gotten off early this afternoon, he opened the door with a cheery "Honey, I'm home!" as he took off his overcoat  
  
Lennie stopped in his tracks. He couldn't believe the sight before him. The apartment lights were dimmed and there were candles all around giving off a soft, romantic glow and a hint of pine and cinnamon. The table was set with a deep burgundy tablecloth and good china, two filled champagne flutes in the center, and the smell of steak wafting in from the kitchen. Soft Christmas music played on the stereo. And then there was Jack . . .wearing a cashmere sweater that matched the tablecloth and looked soft enough to drown in. Something was missing . ..  
  
He stood there, smiling, watching Lennie take it all in. "My god, Jack . .." The overcoat fell to the floor. "Merry Christmas, Lennie." Jack held his arms out to his lover. Lennie came to him, meeting him in the tenderest of kisses. Jack's arms slid around Lennie's waist, holding tight. It finally sunk in. Lennie pulled away a bit and ran his fingers down Jack's right arm. Jack smiled. "Yup. Got it off today. Wanted to surprise you."  
  
"With all this, I almost didn't notice!" Lennie laughed. "Jack, it's beautiful! Perfect, even!" Jack slid his arms back around Lennie, delighting in finally being able to hold him properly, no cast or sling in the way. They held each other close for a while, until Jack let go and reached for the champagne glasses. He handed one to Lennie - "Non- alcoholic, of course," and raised his glass in a toast. "To happiness, Lennie." "To happiness." Their glasses chimed with the pure tone of good crystal. Lennie sipped the contents - the bubbles tickled his nose. Trust Jack to find a way to celebrate without breaking his vow of sobriety. He smiled.  
  
The dinner was excellent - Jack had really turned out to be a great cook. Lennie sat back with a sigh when he finished, looking across the table at his friend, his lover. He still didn't really understand how this had happened. All he knew was that for the first time in a very long time, he felt loved. Jack had finished, and was watching Lennie watch him. Lennie smiled and reached across the table to take Jack's hand. "So just how many accomplices did you have to pull this off?" He asked, smiling, gently rubbing his thumb over the spot where the cast had been this morning. "Just Anita. She promised to kick you out early tonight, and put you on second shift tomorrow." //Well, that explains that miracle!// "She know?" "She figured it out, Lennie. Said I was smiling too much lately. And said she caught the precinct Grinch whistling Christmas carols . . ." Lennie winced. "Yeah, I guess I have had a tendency toward a 'bah, humbug' attitude in the past." Jack laughed. "But for some reason, this year is different. In fact . . ."  
  
Lennie let go of Jack's hand and got up, heading back to the guest room. Although he now slept with Jack, he had kept the other room as his "personal space." Guessing what Lennie had in mind, Jack went into the living room and brought out a box he had tucked behind the couch. He was sitting on the couch with the brightly wrapped package on the coffee table in front of him when Lennie returned with a package of his own. "You too, huh?" Lennie asked with a smile as he sat down. "Of course," Jack replied with a smile. "Well, I started this, so you first." Lennie handed him the package, hoping Jack didn't notice the trembling of his hands. Jack carefully removed the wrapping paper and opened the box inside. There, spread out across the black velvet case, was a silver chain, exactly the twin of the gold one Claire had given him except for the color. Lennie was talking . . . "I couldn't afford gold, Jack, but this reminded me of your hair. I wanted you to have something to hold close . . ." "Lennie, it's perfect," he said as the tears gathered in his eyes. Knowing what was in the other box, he looked up and caressed Lennie's cheek. "Perfect. Will you . . .?" He handed Lennie the box, not trusting his own hands to handle the clasp. Lennie leaned forward, wrapping the chain around his neck and fastening it, then taking Jack's face into his trembling hands for a kiss.  
  
Lennie leaned back and took a deep breath, his eyes drawn to the chain. The silver sparkled against the rich burgundy of Jack's sweater, reflecting the flickering candlelight. Jack smiled, and reached out for the other package. "Your turn." Lennie took a more direct approach, ripping the shiny paper off. Inside was a small glass box he had last seen on Jack's dresser, filled with a length of gold chain. "Jack, no. I can't accept this!" It was much too expensive, much too personal . . .  
  
"No, Lennie please. I want you to have it. You know how much that chain meant to me; I wore it every day for 6 years. By now it's got to have more of me in it than her. And besides, her death was what brought us together. I'll never forget her, Lennie, she's part of me now, part of US. But I don't need it anymore." He reached up to finger the new chain he now wore, smiling.  
  
Lennie swallowed, looked up into Jack's eyes. If he could give this up, Claire was truly in his past now. Lennie nodded, not trusting himself to speak. He handed the box to Jack, who poured out the chain and wrapped it around Lennie's neck. This time the kiss was long and passionate. When they finally came up for air, Jack leaned back into the corner of the couch and drew Lennie into his arms. "God, I've wanted to do this for so long," he sighed. "Couldn't wait to get rid of the damn cast . . ." Lennie pillowed his head on the soft warmth of Jack's shoulder, wrapped now in the softest cashmere instead of the rough linen sling. They sat there for a long while, watching the flickering candlelight and listening to the music. Finally, the last strains of Steamroller's Silent Night filled the room with the soft sound of wind and sleigh bells fading off into the distance. As the CD player shut off, they blew out the candles and headed back to their bedroom . . ."Merry Christmas, Lennie." "Merry Christmas, Jack." 


End file.
